September 10, 2016
This early photo is almost primordial, isn't it? I love the silhouette of the palm tree right in the center of this image. Every day there is some subtle difference in this view.
Too early in the AM .. awakened by the sad, sad thought of change and the knowledge that as 'unfair' as life seems to be, there is no fair or not fair. It's just life. The intrusion of unwelcome one sided dialogue with an ungrateful person really only makes things more unhappy. To know someone so well and always feel in 'trouble' with them, to have their 'gratitude' come from anywhere but the heart and continue to make an effort to behave like a friend is really a fool's errand. Heart oriented people feel their pain more acutely than Head oriented folks who are so intellectual that they can easily say the words, 'thank you' (and even mean them!) with nary a glimmer of gratitude from the heart. Anger, on the other hand is ready in an instant! Ouch.
I guess we all fake feelings from a scale of 'all the time' to 'some of the time' to 'almost none of the time.' I say 'almost' because it's hard to be authentic all of the time just for the sake of either not gushing with enthusiasm or conversely not wanting to hurt another person's feelings. We condescend or we are condescended to. Certainly, this is not a linear situation: our lives. We go from birth to death on one line, I guess, but the matrices of our lives from that first moment go up and down and hither and thither in a myriad of moments that we take to be real.
In a temporal (or apparently temporal) life, we take 'important' things so seriously. Unless we have the ability to forgive or forget or otherwise let something: good, bad or indifferent.. go.. just let it go and for the sake of harmony take a deep breath and move along, then we harbor whatever those pressing feelings might be and allow them take sway over our selves. Relishing a great feeling will always trump chewing on a bad one and replaying the shoulda, woulda, couldas only rubs salt into a wound. I'm doing that now and with all the blather of words, the fact is that if we buy into the temporal, then, time moves along and the good stuff and the blather find their own levels. For unhappy people, hanging on to the bad stuff and never forgiving.. for example.. being angry with a football player who makes a statement of conscience by not standing for our national anthem or someone who is unhappy with a friend who just can't seem to be a very good friend to live up to one's expectations? I guess this early morning discussion.. one sided blather.. is to do my best to clear unhappy feelings.
I am as stuck in the temporal as anyone is. It's a nuisance and the sadness that bubbles up, thank goodness, is temporal: temporary. We cannot force others to understand what they are incapable of understanding, but we can love them, none the less. This is probably a very egotistical way of thinking. Is forgiving someone and loving them, even if they will never love you back an act of survival? Or, is it a holier than thou act of hubris? All we really need to do is care enough to communicate with one another. Sometimes the communication is to just be still and allow one another to be. Ultimately, does it matter?
There's a question that my answer to is,
"I really do not know."
September 10, 2016