August 31, 2021
The dog days of summer.. Easy times. But, when a person you consider a close friend and has been a friend for over fifteen years calls and says,"I don't know how you are going to take this.." and tells of a love affair that has gone on for almost a year.. well, ten months, I must be wrong to feel insulted and betrayed, not because I hold any sway at all over my friend's life, but true friends generally share good news.
. She mostly dismisses my suggestions and is hard pressed to share much of anything beside a daily report and then my report and then her report. Danger, Will Robinson? Red flag? To a less naive guy, probably.
To feel dismissed is probably on the dismissee and the dismisser really has no feeling about being dismissive because it's not their affair to look out for the feelings of someone who has .. he thought.. me.. was being loyal and helpful and kind and all of that, as a good friend behaves.
I've vented on FB and the odd thing was that in my dismay and hurt feelings .. I put up one of those meme things with white text and black back ground
"I know a woman who has never made an apology and never said thank you from her heart. How about that?"
Immediately, I get the email telling me that I need professional help. In my inimitable way, I agree. I need a plumber and other professionals to do the stuff that I seem uable to do myself. The sad thing is that instead of offering any help or wanting to make me feel better.. I get another dismissal. Some folks are like that :Black and White. I've been accused of that and hope it ain't true.. But hiring a 'professional helper' for a situation that could have easily just been discussed about the second month that she was having so much fun; opting to share it with her other friends (I'm pretty sure..) and not me.. it felt like a deliberate slight and 'I don't know how you are going to take this" as an introduction to this surprise was just really a friggin' surprise.
The business of venting in public is not all that cool. How many of her friends know that she's never apologized because she is never wrong and says the words 'thank you' clearly, but with nary a hint of really being grateful might be that, I, in my feeling dismissed wonder why sharing good news.. she found someone to be with.. would not be something to share right off the bat? Am I jealous, probably. But, the air kisses at parting after a dinner or lunch and exchanging reports was probably a red flag, too.
We all have stuff that is on a need to know basis. Sometimes too much information can be.. well.. too much information.. My getting my tender feelings stomped on is on me, right? Feeling left out? This behavior expands to other stuff that I've deliberately swallowed and kowtowed to, just because being snapped at for asking 'is everything all right?' makes me a cautious pal. Red Flag?
I take responsibility for the stuff in my life. Do I deserve an apology for being deiberately kept in the dark vis a vis my friend's happiness? Maybe because I had discussed her handling my estate if/when I die, as a friend.. made me think that I mattered in some extra ordinary way? Could be. so.
Poor Me.. my feeings got crushed and she's in the sack or not. .none of MY business. with someone she likes and finds attractive and that's a blessing. I said to her on the phone "I just want for you to be happy.. " and I meant it, but that did not dismiss my feeling as though she really had very little concern for my feelings and probably would have not said anything, except we have some business she helped me with and she didn't want the news of her big deal to come from another source..
Maybe I'd have gotten an invitation to a wedding in the mail? Oh By the Way.. That's silly, of course, but I'm on a roll and still feel crappy and would do just about anything to fix it because it all comes back to my feeling damaged by another person's actions, whether they intended to hurt me or not. The get help email was deliberately mean. But, being terse and tacit is the way some folks survive.
I maybe wrong all together. Later? I'll be happy to be friends. Am I glutton for punishment? Evidently?? It's just not very comfortable dealing with a person who thinks about things more than being spontaneous and when I've tried to make her laugh ..? It's like pulling teeth. I'm about one for ten.
We learn to cope and the fact is I've relied on her way too much. Too many eggs in one basket, right? So.. We get what we deserve.. the royal We? .. I can forgive just about anything.. but I am entitled to my feelings and my feelings are in sad repair.
We are all responsible for our own feelings even when they have been knocked silly by someone who was trusted. They didn't ASK to be trusted, that's on the trustor.. is that a word.. the one doing the trusting?
All anyone has to say is 'I'm sorry that you had a bad fall. Let me give you a hand. I didn't mean to push you. It was an accident." Or they can look down at the heap in the puddle of tears and say "Get professional help."
Okay. .call me a plumber? ..
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